I am absolutely shocking when it comes to building relationships with women. I make so many errors I watched a YouTube video by a guy who gives advice on these things alongside many other bits of advice with some amusement. I literally do everything wrong.
Because I have been single for so many years, when I get an opportunity at building what I hope is a potential relationship I tend to put every effort into the situation because, frankly, I don’t get many chances. Inevitably I come across as needy and desperate, which puts the woman on a pedestal and without suggesting scarcity, where they need to do at least a bit of chasing, I fail to capture their interest and in most cases, I scare them away. Not that I get many chances mind you.
I noticed it the other day at the wedding fair. A couple came over to our stall and the guy, who was not a looker by any stretch, seemed so incredibly happy to be with the woman that he just stood there smiling with his head lovingly tilted to one side looking at her. The woman was clearly less bothered, although seemed happy. He was sickeningly devoted though. It reminded me of advice I heard given by a former employee of mine, a woman, who told her younger female staff members that “the secret to a happy marriage is to ensure you marry someone who loves you more than you love them.” Obviously only one party can own that dynamic. But I think it’s broadly correct. The one who loves the other party more is always chasing, always nervous. The other party has the power.
So the answer is to be more aloof, but I find this weird. I want someone, but need to appear like I don’t. The problem is if I act like I don’t want anyone, none comes along. I’ve swiped every women I can on Tinder (being fair to both parties I do swipe “no” some of them), but considering I probably green swipe 85% of women I see on there, there is either a lot of fake profiles or, more likely, I get “no” swiped by almost 100% of women. That’s a lot of rejection. I’ve only had one match so far and one conversation which, so far, hasn’t led anywhere. Probably down to the many mistakes I make. If anything, women have almost unlimited choice online as most men will green swipe most women. I can see why it must be intoxicating for women on there. But it’s harder for more average-looking men to get a look in.
I hoped that being straight with a woman that I like her, I want a relationship, I care and so on might help us skip the crap and get on with it. It doesn’t. They don’t want you to be honest. They think they do but they don’t. Being kind and caring is boring to a woman who probably has the ability to get any man they want. So they do the picking. It’s like a sales trick. Say to a customer “Come back any time and it’s yours forever” loses out every time to “There is one left and there is interest”. In short, I have to play the game.
My biggest hope would have been to have met someone aged 20 – 25 and have an amazing relationship with all the memories in place by now, settled and happy. It never happened, it was never even close. It’s a huge disappointment and a huge gap in my life and my past. All I got was a series of painful rejections. Approaching 40 I just want the box ticked, although don’t for a second think that this means I’ll accept just anyone. However, it’s counter-intuitive to me to act like I don’t give a flying fig because I hardly get anyone chasing me. But think about this. If I act like I don’t care they all have 50 tinder matches and other interest to go to. Why would they stick around? It all seems hopeless.
What I need to do is focus on the gym and make tough decisions when it comes to what I’m eating. Even if I continue to fail I need to do so as the best I can be. I need to lose weight and be more of a prick. Then I might get more interest. I’ve proven my natural approach is absolutely rubbish and leads only to more of what I’ve had so far. Nothing.