The past few weeks have been pretty hard. I haven’t posted much on this blog because everything’s got a bit on top of me recently.
The split between myself and my ex-partner was very difficult. The one thing throughout my life that has always been missing has been a fulfilling relationship. I tend not to think about it too much because I find that to be very upsetting, but when I allow myself time to think about it I realise how much I’m missing out on and as I get older I know I won’t get that time back or those nice experiences that I’m missed out on that others take for granted.
My relationship wasn’t perfect. It was long distance for a start but what it allowed me to do was to dream about finally getting some of the nice things that I’ve only been able to watch other people experience. I find that when things don’t feel possible they don’t hurt, a little like if I was to dream about being a professional footballer, it was never likely so I don’t miss it.
Within the former relationship all of the possibilities that I’ve hoped for so long were suddenly within reach so to lose all chance of them coming to fruition, well, that hurt a lot. I also found it more difficult to do some of the activities that I used to do because now they feel really pointless. Things like indoor bowls for example, I just haven’t played it since the split.
Last year I did really well and managed to lose three stone. I didn’t do eating carefully and not much else. I didn’t really exercise although that would certainly help me lose even more weight. I’ve joined the gym but I haven’t gone as much as I intended to go and I need to put that right in the month ahead.
Without the relationship to occupy my mind I find discipline difficult. I really struggle with the ‘why’ I am doing it even though the health reasons are more than a compelling reason for doing so. That really should be enough, it is enough, but for some reason it doesn’t result in the actions I need to take to reach my goals, to be healthier and happier. As I write this I’m extremely frustrated with myself, but I know where it comes from. It comes from a feeling of being completely pointless, irrelevant and a failure. I can dress it up any which way I like but that’s how I feel even if I shouldn’t feel this way.
I must be balanced and take a moment to talk about what I do like about my life and about the plans for this blog. I watch football and I enjoyed being part of the club near where I live. I was manager for a little while but unfortunately it didn’t work out as the person who was running things wasn’t really willing to let us get on with the job. It’s an ambition that I still have but it’s not the most important one.
I’ve managed to secure funding for 18 months so I know that I will have a year prior to the election in 2021 where I will know where I stand in terms of the requirements to search for another job if I need one. Selection should be done by them and I should know where the national party stands and have a good idea whether I will get re-elected or not. I’m open to carrying on or finding normal work. I don’t earn a lot of money now but I have more freedom and I am happy about that. I don’t see the point of being well-paid but have no time to enjoy myself or feel happy. You have to like where you are working, the type of work and the business you are part of.
What about this blog then? I’m going to post what I’m doing and what I’m thinking. This will hopefully be the foundation of getting my health right and getting everything else right. If you read this blog, thank you! I hope you find the content interesting.
Thanks for reading and thanks for the support.